How to Ruin the Enjoyment of Watching TV

Hey Steph,

So I want to tell you about something that may potentially ruin the way you watch tv or movies or read books. (If that's not the best way to get someone to stop reading a blog post, I don't know what is.) When I say "ruin," I mean make it harder for you to enjoy media without thinking about it. But willful ignorance, while easier to live with, is not a characteristic of a thoughtful, strong person; thus, I feel validated in sharing this little bit of knowledge because you are a thoughtful, strong person. But if you choose to stop reading, I understand: sometimes it's nice veg out on a dumb book and not think about all the literary and female-empowering reasons you shouldn't—admittedly I read pointless novels from time to time because not everything needs to matter.

Bechdel test: a ranking system for films, tv shows, and books suggesting positive portrayal of women and consisting of the following three rules: 1) there must be at least two female characters 2) who talk to each other 3) about something besides men.

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Seems like a fairly low bar to set, right? But then you start thinking of the last few movies you've seen, and you're hard pressed to find one that fits. Even movies that feel like they have more women in them still fail this test (the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy fails along with two Harry Potter movies).

In November a group of movie theaters in Sweden began posting whether the films they were showing passed this test, showcasing how the majority of films didn't. Have you ever been to a restaurant that lists the calorie count for its meals? One second I'm all about the chicken alfredo, and the next my arteries are crying out for me to choose something that won't cause my heart to fail. I go with the minestrone. I think this is how it would be if theaters in America posted the Bechdel test. One minute you're ready to dig into a big helping of The Hobbit, and the next you're asking yourself, "Really? They couldn't find two women to be in the same scene together? They make up half the population."

I know, I know. You're probably thinking, "I love The Hobbit, and why do you have to pick on that film? It's not a big deal." I like The Hobbit too (though The Lord of the Rings series is much better), and yes, out of everything there is to make noise about, this isn't a big deal. But if I'm going to eat a big piece of chocolate cake, I want to knowingly ingest those calories. I'm not going to stop eating chocolate cake, but I'm going to make sure I'm eating a more balanced diet overall. So it goes with what I'm choosing to watch and read. It's not that stories about men aren't good. Men are awesome! I just want to make sure I'm watching stories about women too.

Cheers,

Amanda Kae

Perspective and a New Unit of Time

Hey Steph,

Remember how we used to mark time by cartoons? Like, if Mom came up to the game room and told us we needed to leave in 30 minutes, we'd have no idea what that meant. When we'd ask how long that was, she'd respond, "One cartoon." Everything was clear.

cartoon: a unit of time measurement only understood by children, having an upper limit of 5 units (any more and there are no more fingers to count with the pointer finger of the other hand).

When we were little, a cartoon was an immense amount of time, an eternity. Growing up changes all that. A 30-minute period is nothing now. Heck, a year is starting to feel like nothing. Perspective changes as you experience more and more time, more and more fears and successes. Like when I was a teenager, the idea of calling someone on the phone was terrifying. But one telefunding job, four nightmare-filled months later, and I had lived through all my worst nightmares and realized that there were worse things in life than being cussed out over the phone or calling a daughter asking for her father on the day he died. Now, phone calls don't scare me at all.

The past two months I've been dealing with bad back pain along with shooting pains down my right leg (or Battlestar Sciatica, as you affectionately call it). I've combined the powers of medication, hot and cold pads, and physical therapy trying to fix the problem, fortunately, to some success. But I'm not going to lie. It has been hard to stay positive day in and day out. This is where a thought of perspective has come to my head again and again bringing peace to my soul. But first a preface.

As you know, this back pain all really started three years ago after a treacherous hike and a 300-foot tumble down snow and rock, ending in a 10-foot fall off a cliff. Though I remember waiting for my death to come as I fell down the rocks, I somehow survived, with a two-inch gash on my knee and a bruised body but not much else. There's nothing quite like the adrenaline rush of escaping death to get you down 9 miles to your car. It wasn't until a month and a half later that it began to hurt to sit. The following back surgery was a small price to pay for a life to live.

And that's really the thought that keeps me going with this residual pain. When I get annoyed at everyone walking around and sitting down without any pain or when I envy those runners out in the recently warm weather for doing something I will never be able to do again, I'm trying to remember that I exchanged all that for days of life, even if they are pain-filled days. It's a small price.

And the Olympians are helping me out quite a bit too. Skeleton silver-medalist Noelle Pikus-Pace has three herniated disks (and got hit by a four-man bobsled). Dang! I'll take my one herniated disk. And Russian ice skating legend Evgeni Plushenko has had several surgeries on his back (besides other parts of his body) and has an artificial disk. If they can fight through and alleviate pain in order to go 80+ miles down an icy track and do quadruple axles, then I can work through the pain of my far-less Olympic life.

So, maybe this period of pain is just a cartoon-unit of time--a lengthy season to my inexperienced mind, but nothing in the eyes of my future self.

Cheers,

Amanda

How to Fight on Valentine's Day

Hey Amanda,

Valentine's Day is kinda a lose-lose kind of holiday. Even genuine displays of affection are downgraded by their association with social obligation. Expectations are often too high, the pay-off for your effort too low. 

Ah yes, Valentine's Day

So if you're one of the displeased on this day of overpriced roses, there are better and worse ways to work through it.

How to Fight with your Spouse like a Boss*: 

(Haha, okay really, this is just a list I've come up with after reading the articles listed at the bottom of the post. It's not that I actually feel qualified to give relationship advice....although,  I've officially been married longer than Lost has been off the air, so you know, I know stuff......*piffft*)

1. Work on Your Ratio

Apparently a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative experiences it what makes long lasting relationships stable.

2. Complain Rather than Criticize

“When you forget to put your dishes in the dishwasher, it makes me feel taken advantage of” is much more productive than “You’re a slob” or “you don’t care about me”. Make statements directed at specific behaviors rather than at personality quirks or character traits. Use “We” to address problems instead of “you.”

3. Be Specific

Label a particular behavior that offends you rather than listing many things that make you feel negative. Avoid always/ never. “I’m mad that you forgot about date night, and it makes me feel taken for granted” is better than “You never do anything special for me.”

4. Remember Positive Traits

Contempt kills admiration and respect. If you can’t recall a single positive thing about another person, it’s time to shut up and go for a walk. Everyone does something well, and you have a relationship with them for a reason.

5. Instead of Defensiveness, react with Active Listening

Even when the other person is being mean, you can defuse the problem faster with Active Listening than with defending yourself. The best defense is a good offense. Listen to the other person, sorting through the maybe-rant for information ignoring irrelevant statements, and restate. “So you’re angry because you’re worried about money and  you think I spent too much on Christmas gifts?” Hopefully, an earnest response to anger results in the return of a more mutually respectful tone.

Also nodding, “I see” “mmm” “uh huh” are magic gestures that keep hostility down.

6. Don’t Stonewall Women

It’s much more distressing for them than for men. Really no one should stonewall anyone, but men should realize that however annoying it is to them, it is much more stressful for their female counterparts. While men don’t react to stonewalling with an additional increase in heart rate, women do. That increase in adrenalin suppresses executive function, which means a decreased ability to problem-solve...which is a big deal because

7. Women End Fights Better

Women can themselves shift from negative to positive emotion faster, and are more capable of shifting others with them than men are. So ladies, put on your problem-solving hat and offer solutions (Men on the other hand should set their switch to empathize...it just works better).  And look for self-soothing techniques that work for you in high-stress situations. For both genders, if your heart beat starts to speed up, take that as your body warning you that you’re going to say something stupid and call for a twenty minute time out.

Love you!

Stephanie

Sources

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200910/what-makes-marriage-work

http://newscenter.berkeley.edu/2013/11/04/marriage-peacekeepers/

http://newscenter.berkeley.edu/2010/01/27/couple_we_ness/

*For the record, I didn't fight with my spouse today. He is one of the best husbands in the history of mankind. I really doubt there are many women that have ever been treated better. I almost wrote something funny here, but really it's just all sap. I can't really talk about how much I like my husband without feeling the enormity of how happy and lucky I feel to be with him. 

5 Ways to Be Smarter

Hi Steph,

         Two weeks ago I was extraordinarily blessed to find myself in Europe. It was a trip full of many wonderful experiences that I’m not likely to forget anytime soon. There were two places in particular that literally made me take in a nerdy, overwhelmed gasp. The first place was the Plantin-Moretus Press Museum. The museum is the sixteenth-century home of Christophe Plantin, one of the earliest and most important printers. The home would house the press and business for over two and a half centuries. The home took me in with its beautiful Renaissance architecture and embossed leather walls. But one room made me bring my hands to my mouth and, yes, jump in excitement. It was the press room. Along the right wall of this beautiful room stood five presses; the left half of the room held type boxes full of type. As if this factory to knowledge wasn’t exciting enough for this writer, the end of the room held the true treasure. There sat the two oldest surviving presses in the world!

Aren't they beautiful?

 The second place that took my breath away was the Trinity Library. A two-story corridor full of 200,000 books. Better than the Beast's library. I stopped breathing for a few seconds.

source

         

         All of this hit me because books are magical to me. They are the holders of our collective memory. They continue conversations started centuries ago. Those 26 letters compiled in different orders somehow transform into thoughts, ideas, knowledge. When I saw those presses, I saw a change in human history that would allow more of us to enter a conversation and add upon prior ideas. When I saw that library, I saw the compilation of words, powerful words that could be read and enter our very being.

         My coworkers and friends occasionally make fun of me for my enthusiasm about education. I get a certain high off of learning new things. I feel alive when a new concept has entered my head because it is in that moment that I feel bigger than I was a moment before. I am no longer just a girl breathing, eating, sleeping, moving. I am a girl with a bit more understanding, a bit more perspective, and a bit more substance. I’m reminded that I am a thinking creature with millions of brain cells ready to be filled with more knowledge.

         In that vein, I’d like to share the five educational resources you aren’t taking advantage of—all in the hopes that you will feel bigger too.

1) TED: talks about everything

• You might have heard of TED before, but if you haven't, go there right now and listen to a talk. A couple of my favorites are this one about a researcher who filmed the entire life of his infant son and examined his language development, and this one about being vulnerable. 

2) Edx: Free online courses on pretty much every topic

• Ever wondered if you could get through a course at Harvard? Well, now you can give it a try. The best part--no grades and no cost. Edx brings together courses from some of the best universities in the world, including Harvard, MIT, and Georgetown. You can take courses with titles like Autonomous Mobile Robots and History of Chinese Architecture and The Science of Everyday Thinking. 

3) Crash Course: educational videos on pretty much every subject

• Seriously one of the more interesting ways to learn online. Fun animation keeps it peppy, and you can't go wrong with teachers like John and Hank Green. Just pop up one of these videos while cleaning or lounging. I love the courses on chemistry and world history, but they're all pretty awesome.

4) Duolingo: learn French and German and Spanish and more

• This phone app is a great way to learn the basics of a foreign language. Motivation comes from checking off skill sets. The app will even send you a message on your phone reminding you to practice. In my four days of using it, I've learned this phrase: Es ist gut! (See, proof that it is awesome.)

5) Khan Academy: primarily a math education website, with resources in science, economics, humanities, and computer programming

• Ok, I know the word "math" isn't a pleasant one for a lot of us, but I highly recommend giving Khan Academy a go. I hated math growing up, but Khan Academy is set up in a way that truly makes math fun. What can be more motivating that earning badges and watching your mission progress? Trust me. When you finish a group of practice questions and that assortment of pixels pops up saying that you won a badge for mastering simple addition (like 2 + 2), you'll be more happy than is warranted. 

Well, I'm feeling all warm and giddy with the anticipation of learning. Are you? :)

Cheers,

Amanda

The Parable of the Cigarette Butts

Hey Steph,

                For the last several of months, I’ve been feeling particularly anxious, insecure, and doubtful about life, myself, and faith, respectively. Fortunately, I’ve had this happen before so I had a few tools up my sleeve that I had not had previously. First: emotions are passing. I might feel 100% despondent or full of fear, but 24 hours later I might be feeling pretty content. No one moment of feeling equals reality. Second: family, friends, and words of wisdom are the best means to travel from anxiety to peace, from insecurity to confidence, and from doubt to faith. I’ve found that looking toward the next phone call home, the next conversation with a neighbor, or the next study of scripture grants me strength to traverse through periods between each interaction. Third: hope is both a forward-looking and a backward-glancing power. Just as I can look forward to strength in future interactions with family, friends, and wisdom, I can also receive hope in remembering the peace of past interactions.

A few months ago, I visited my friend Katherine in Seattle. Katherine and I had the opportunity to walk a few miles of the city. For a good portion of that walk, we were behind a homeless man smoking a cigarette butt. He breathed in the nicotine-laden air through the smallest possible joint—his fingers had to be burning on the heat of the centimeter-long cigarette. We were not nearly as interested in breathing that same air, so we decided to pass him. As we did so, the man spotted a little bit of treasure beside a sidewalk tree: a full half of a cigarette that someone had ungratefully thrown to the ground. Our hobo bent over excitedly, picked it up, stuck it to the end of the few remaining embers of his old cigarette butt, and continued walking with a bit more spunk in his step. For the rest of the day, Katherine and I were completely distracted by the cigarette butts of Seattle. We’d interrupt each other’s conversation to point out a long, round cigarette butt that would have surely made our smoker happy. I was never so aware of this commodity that litters our streets, and I wished I could gather them up and leave them for him to smoke peacefully throughout the night.

An example of a subpar but usable cigarette butt. (source)

                 As unrelated as this may sound, I think hope is sometimes like these cigarette butts. Like the hobo, I’ve found myself anxiously searching for the next instance of peace, my next cigarette butt. As I breathed in every ounce of hope possible from my last interaction, I’d use all my energy looking for the next gift of hope. When you lack the financial means to buy your own carton of cigarettes, your constant anxiety is finding the next cigarette. Your life doesn’t have much more complexity and joy than just merely surviving, eyes to gutter, steps in anxious journey toward your next smoky inhale. So it has been with me and hope. Without faith that I will continue to receive hope in the future, my life was entirely consumed in the one act of emotional survival. There were no other joys than taking another step.

See, after several weeks living from one peaceful moment to the next, I started to get smart. There was no possible way to know absolutely that there would be more moments of hope in my life, but history showed that at the end of hope-filled fumes, there would be another instance that would grant me peace.  The hobo had no financial ability to stop his anxious search for cigarette butts, but I did have emotional means to stop my nervous search for hope: Faith was and is my emotional capital. As I have chosen to believe and have faith in future hope-filled interactions with Deity, I’ve noticed that I’ve worried less about finding my next emotional fix. My stamina of peace has grown stronger and longer. I’ve become more sure that I would feel peaceful again, and that I was ok to not constantly have an experience-induced, hope cigarette to my mouth. I was no longer addicted to living from one moment to another. I could walk with head up, away from the cigarette-strewn gutter, and with a stride confident in the hope of tomorrow. I gained peace in life, confidence in myself, and faith in God. While I’m sure I will again fill downcast and nervously grasp on to singular moments of peace, I’ve learned that the choice of faith is actually a stronger, more constant antidote to fear. We cannot always live in strong moments of peace because if there was only ever peace, we would have no need to gain strength through choosing to walk by faith on unsure paths. We would be weak creatures instead of strong people imbued with the power of agency. The choice of faith provides us with the means to act and not be acted upon.

                While in our darkest hours, the blessing of peaceful and hopeful moments are invaluable and make possible what seems impossible, but the miracle wrought by faith is even more precious. Faith doesn’t just help us survive but helps us grow. Faith makes us capable. The steadiness of faith in God allows us to stop clinging tightly to the survival of our own lives and look outward in making ourselves more. 

To choosing faith,

Amanda Kae