Valentine's Day is kinda a lose-lose kind of holiday. Even genuine displays of affection are downgraded by their association with social obligation. Expectations are often too high, the pay-off for your effort too low.
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| Ah yes, Valentine's Day |
So if you're one of the displeased on this day of overpriced roses, there are better and worse ways to work through it.
How to Fight with your Spouse like a Boss*:
(Haha, okay really, this is just a list I've come up with after reading the articles listed at the bottom of the post. It's not that I actually feel qualified to give relationship advice....although, I've officially been married longer than Lost has been off the air, so you know, I know stuff......*piffft*)
1. Work on Your Ratio
Apparently a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative experiences it what makes long lasting relationships stable.
2. Complain Rather than Criticize
“When you forget to put your dishes in the dishwasher, it makes me feel taken advantage of” is much more productive than “You’re a slob” or “you don’t care about me”. Make statements directed at specific behaviors rather than at personality quirks or character traits. Use “We” to address problems instead of “you.”
3. Be Specific
Label a particular behavior that offends you rather than listing many things that make you feel negative. Avoid always/ never. “I’m mad that you forgot about date night, and it makes me feel taken for granted” is better than “You never do anything special for me.”
4. Remember Positive Traits
Contempt kills admiration and respect. If you can’t recall a single positive thing about another person, it’s time to shut up and go for a walk. Everyone does something well, and you have a relationship with them for a reason.
5. Instead of Defensiveness, react with Active Listening
Even when the other person is being mean, you can defuse the problem faster with Active Listening than with defending yourself. The best defense is a good offense. Listen to the other person, sorting through the maybe-rant for information ignoring irrelevant statements, and restate. “So you’re angry because you’re worried about money and you think I spent too much on Christmas gifts?” Hopefully, an earnest response to anger results in the return of a more mutually respectful tone.
Also nodding, “I see” “mmm” “uh huh” are magic gestures that keep hostility down.
6. Don’t Stonewall Women
It’s much more distressing for them than for men. Really no one should stonewall anyone, but men should realize that however annoying it is to them, it is much more stressful for their female counterparts. While men don’t react to stonewalling with an additional increase in heart rate, women do. That increase in adrenalin suppresses executive function, which means a decreased ability to problem-solve...which is a big deal because
7. Women End Fights Better
Women can themselves shift from negative to positive emotion faster, and are more capable of shifting others with them than men are. So ladies, put on your problem-solving hat and offer solutions (Men on the other hand should set their switch to empathize...it just works better). And look for self-soothing techniques that work for you in high-stress situations. For both genders, if your heart beat starts to speed up, take that as your body warning you that you’re going to say something stupid and call for a twenty minute time out.
Love you!
Stephanie
Sources
*For the record, I didn't fight with my spouse today. He is one of the best husbands in the history of mankind. I really doubt there are many women that have ever been treated better. I almost wrote something funny here, but really it's just all sap. I can't really talk about how much I like my husband without feeling the enormity of how happy and lucky I feel to be with him.
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