Dating: You're Doing It Wrong

Hey Steph,
  So, I've had a lot of conversations about dating recently, and the more I chat about it, the more I think that my community has been doing it wrong. I think we misunderstand the point of it all. Having been actively part of the dating world for about 10 years now, I'd like to share a few of the biggest dating myths that I see followed again and again.

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1. When you start dating the person you end up marrying, you should have the best conversation of your life--the kind where you talk into the wee hours of the morning. 
This might be true if you have nerves of steel, and you act no differently around your crush than you do your friends. But that's never been true for me. I can talk to pretty much any boy, but if I am considering him romantically, I turn into a pink-faced stutterer. The conversations I have early on with people I'm romantically interested in are usually some of the worst conversations I've ever had. I stumble awkwardly over my words--saving each misstep to over-analyze later. It'd be nice if every conversation was easy, but I've found that it usually isn't. It takes time to build friendships.

2. The point of dating is to find someone to get married to.
Ok, so the above statement can be true, but I think the sheer terror unlocked in the use of the word married is not a helpful way to view dating. I think a more helpful view of dating at its outset is that it is way to get to know someone. Take home message: chill out.

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3. You'll find someone when you stop looking.
This is a lie people tell themselves to move on from a bad break-up. Dating takes effort. It isn't always fun at the beginning. I don't think for the majority of us  this "someday my prince will come" mentality will do us any good. Marriage is not something that happens to you. You are an integral part of making it happen.

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4. You'll know if you like someone by the spark you feel. 
My standard setting is a state of contented singlehood. I enjoy my life, and if it were not for the occasional bouts of loneliness, I could coast along not feeling like I was missing much. With all this contentedness, I no longer see potential boyfriends everywhere I look, like I used to when I was younger. I just see a bunch of men. It is a conscious decision I make to turn on my romantic eyes and see men as attractive. Now, I know this isn't all that normal to have this on/off switch concerning romance, but I think it has given me a lot of knowledge about this "spark." When my romance switch is off, I don't have crushes on anyone, but when I switch it on, all of the sudden I have intrigue towards men that were just ordinary boys the day before. I didn't feel the spark until I chose to feel the spark.
Don't get me wrong. I do think there are people that you will just never be attracted to, but I think the spark can be more like a flame, slowly building up rather than all at once. So give potential dating opportunities a real chance. I have a two-date policy with pretty much any guy, unless I'm scared for safety. I've found that nearly every guy gets more attractive on the second date.

5. It's best to focus your efforts on one crush. 
When I was a young college student, one of my guy friends explained this metaphor for how men and women view dating. He said we both view our dating options like a tree. Generally, women will like one guy quite a bit and maybe be somewhat interested in other guys (their tree of interest is a big trunk with little twigs). And generally, men will like several different girls at the same time until things progress into exclusive dating (their tree is made up of a bunch of decent-sized branches). At first, I hated his explanation because I just wanted my "trunk" to like me and not be interested in other girls. But I was wrong. See, it's hard to muster up enough hope in dating to put yourself out there again and again. The thought that this isn't going to work again is strong and can shrivel any motivation you have to try. So, if you put all your hope into one possible relationship, it's really rough when it doesn't work out. But if you spread around the hope (in smaller increments) among many different dating options, recovery is much easier. It becomes a numbers game. If the "trunk" doesn't work out and is cut down, you have to start from ground zero emotionally. But if one of many "branches" is cut off, you have several others to look to. So, talk to as many people as you can at social functions. Get started with online dating (it's a bit awkward, but it provides you with plenty of "branches"). Options mean less stress, and less stress makes continual dating a reality.

6. When it's right, dating won't be difficult.
Though akin to a few of the myths listed above, I see this one in action more than I hear this one. Most of my friends have been dating for a fairly long time. We all have our dating baggage, whether it be break-ups, unrequited love, or never having been in a relationship. Dating has worn us down and made us a little less excited about trying again, one failed potential relationship at a time. For me, some of my strongest demons live in the dating part of my life. Anytime I opened the door to dating, they would arise with anxiety and self-doubt in their arms. So I created a whole bunch of ways to run away from dating opportunities. It wasn't until I realized that these demons weren't going to go away, that I kept that dating door opened, squared my shoulders, and thrust myself directly down into my "valley of the shadow of death." (I know that sounds really over-the-top, but these dating fears were and are very strong for me.) I entered a relationship, albeit painfully and emotionally. That particular relationship didn't work out, but I feel like I'm one valley closer to conquering my demons. What makes me want to confront them? One, I hate letting fear confine me. I want to be capable of anything, so I work to let go of all my fears. Two, for me, marriage isn't just a nice idea. It is a commandment of God. I've learned that Heavenly Father has only commanded me to do things that make me happy, so I want to obey this commandment and put effort towards it even though it is difficult.

It may seem like I know what I'm talking about, but generally I'm about as clueless as anyone. These are just a few of the thought processes I've learned to help make dating easier--but I still feel like an awkward middle-schooler most of the time. I guess I should just embrace it, right?

Cheers,

Amanda