When I was younger I believed in an Atonement which took away our burdens. I don't believe in that Atonement anymore, though my belief doesn't necessarily negate reality. It may very well be that the Atonement truly can take away burdens, but I'm not sure I have ever experienced that for myself. (Maybe someday I will have eyes to see.)
But I do believe in the Atonement. I believe in an Atonement which runs parallel with another great gift we have been given: agency. Steph, we are all sent here with our own sets of beliefs, our own way of thinking about things, our own way of dealing with stuff. We're all sent here trying to figure out how to deal. How do we deal with suffocating insecurity? How do we deal with the darkness of doubt? How do we deal with opening our hearts again and again after they've been hurt? How do we deal with a seemingly insurmountable belief that we are broken and irreparable?
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| Photo Cred: Susanne Nilsson |
I think we all deal with that by muddling through. We somehow get up the nerve to once again aspire to confidence, to have the audacity to choose faith even when it seems foolish, to care about and be vulnerable with someone, and to somehow pick up the broken pieces of our souls and try to piece them together even when it seems an impossible task. And we do all of this stumbling along, failing a big chunk of the time.
That's all the agency part of our lives, but the miracle of the Atonement is that all of that muddling through can actually get you somewhere better. There are parts of my being that I look at and think, "You're too far gone. You are completely incapable of overcoming these deep-seated fears. You are not enough to find your way through all of that." At times these words are paralyzing. For some years of my life, I had just decided to not even acknowledge that these demons existed. It is a cowardly way, but a fairly peaceful way to live.
But my belief in the Atonement is that I can have more. I can be both courageous and at peace. I can overcome. Steph, the power of the Atonement in my life is that as I muddle through, Christ is aware of my struggle. And better yet, He has provided a way for me to get through the struggle. It just so happens that, in my experience, the way by which my burdens are made light is by gaining strength through the struggles themselves.
In the midst of confronting these weaknesses, the storminess of uncertainty and fear are so great that I am left with little assurance that I will succeed. At times, it takes all of my faith, all of my courage, and all of my persistence to look toward Christ and actually believe that His Atonement is real, that His power will strengthen me here a little and there a little as I need it and often later than I think I need it, but I believe that He does provide what we need. I have experienced it in many muddled journeys and in a dark, lengthy abyss in my life.
Instead of asking for Heavenly Father to take away the pain, I now pray, "Lord, please help me muddle through." And it's good enough for me.
Cheers,
Amanda
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