Romance is a Myth

Hey Amanda,

I've been thinking a lot lately about how we prepare as a society for marriage. And I think we suck at it. I think for women especially, one of the biggest problems is that Romance is a myth. I wouldn't be surprised if the proliferation of chick-media has contributed to our divorce rate.

Don't get me wrong. I'm happily married to-- honestly--a way better man than I deserve. Love isn't a myth. But, the magical lie of the Romance section really doesn't have much to do with that.

Let's be clear. Although, I'd much rather go through my roughest days with my spouse than on my own--Relationships don't solve problems. They don't. If you loathe your body and lack the confidence to feel comfortable talking at dinner parties as a single person, you will still hate your body and feel cripplingly self-conscious in a committed relationship. If you feel directionless and bored with your life, that won't change after you've tied your destiny to somebody else.

I love you.

Romance books and movies use the relationship as the source of the excitement, fulfillment, and growth for the characters within them. But that's not how real-life works. The euphoria of new love is awesome. And every once in a while I miss it. But it also sucks. All of the doubt and second-guessing about this other human being who has control of so much of your emotions and you have no guarantee that they feel anything like you do about them.

I can tell you without any caveats that right now, halfway through my fourth year of marriage is sooo much better than the year I met and got engaged to my husband. No slighting on the blistering good looks, humor or intellect of my man, but I don't really feel giddy about him anymore. But I know in my bones that he trusts my competence. Sounds romantic, huh?

I don't really care about your plans for your future, or
how this might affect your standing with your boss,
--I'm just too...excited.

But that's my point.  Relationships at their best are about having each other's backs. It's not the jittery, adrenaline rush of the first date or the first kiss. It's the consistent pep talk and commiseration in the ups and downs as you pursue your dreams.

So if I could go back and talk to teenage me, daydreaming on long car trips about being loved (and not being so awkward it produced physical reactions of distaste in those around me)--I'd say the biggest thing you can do to have happy, stable, awesome relationships is have tangible goals in your life. Because it's a lot easier for your partner to support you if he knows what to support you in.

So don't wait for a knight in shining armor to save you from your ennui or self-doubts, because he can't.

Bella Swan- 1. a fictional characters universally disliked but strangely envied by a large segment of the population. Her flabby emotional health is only barely kept at functional levels by the prop of a new romantic interest and/or the immediate threat of death. 2. A person who has a similar need for new Romantic stimulus to avoid the realization that they are responsible for their own happiness. 

Love,
Stephanie, the twenty-something curmudgeon

Okay, but some chick-flicks are awesome. 

I'm a big fan of Kate and Leopold. 

What are your favorites?