What Not to Do When You're Feeling Depressed

Hey Amanda,

Never write a blog post when you're depressed.

 Never forget to eat and then forget that you forgot only to have an existential crisis fueled by literal, unacknowledged hunger.  Never sleep too little and assess your accomplishments in the same day. To sum up, never forget that your soul is 50% physiology.

via Indigo Skies Photography

Instead of trying to write anything meaningful and worthwhile in the moments when you feel the opposite, sit out in the sun with your eyes closed. Watch the black turn red against the light, and feel your eyelids warm under the radiated heat of a fusing star. And ponder that the atoms of your eyelids came to being in the furnace of a similar star. You are the remnants of a star under the heat of a star. As Carl Sagan said, you "are a way for the cosmos to know itself."

Venus as a teeny tiny dot against the sun
via Allen Gathman

Perspective.

Food.

Sleep.

If you're still having a rough time after you've gotten more of all three, then let's explore it.

Amanda, thanks for pretending I was writing this one to you,
Steph

sun hug: n. a meditative moment in the sunlight. It's like yoga without the stretchy pants. 

I'll just leave this here:

Really Seeing People

Hey Steph,

      In just over two months, I graduate and lose the job I've had for the last three and a half years working for a magazine. I'll miss writing, and I'll miss getting to go to really interesting places. I'll miss working with awesome people, and I'll miss editing and polishing and re-polishing articles. But I'll miss interviewing people the most. Interviewing has been the surprise gem of the career path I've chosen. It is an unusual setting that doesn't occur naturally all that often.

     In an interview, you meet a stranger one on one. Your job as interviewer is to make the other person comfortable. I've found that the best way to do this is smile a lot, joke a bit, and sincerely listen and care about what the other person is saying. And then the magic happens: I get to ask any question I want about a topic that person is passionate about.

       Steph, you get someone talking about their passions, and there is this light that comes into their eyes. It is one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. I've seen it the eyes of an acoustic physicist explaining the thrill of hearing the blood pulse through your head while sitting in an anechoic chamber (a room that cancels out noise). I've seen it in the eyes of a historian describing the impact that pepper made on pre-Renaissance Italy. I've seen it in the eyes of a musician reliving the moment he heard his own lyrics sung verbatim by a packed concert venue.

Photo Credit: Hannah Miller

         Fortunately, these experiences aren't just reserved for journalists. They still happen, but usually more occasionally and usually not with strangers. It often takes a foundation of trusted friendship. Recently, I had two separate conversations with a couple of friends of mine. We talked about faith and doubt. We talked about fear and rejection and hurt. In both instances, these friends of mine were asking honest questions. They were airing deep feelings they usually keep close to themselves. They stood in places of uncertainty. They stood in places of weakness. They stood vulnerable.

     As I listened to them and discussed these ideas, I saw a similar something in their eyes. It wasn't the thrill of their passions. It was their souls.

     "There you are. I see you," I kept thinking.

     See, we walk around in our state of responsbility. I need to go to work. I need to write my thesis. I need be super outgoing. But these conversations knocked me out of all of that. Here we are these huddled masses, cloaked in smiles and busyness and routine. We so easily become a conglomerate of beings to each other. Our beautiful souls are hidden away in happy meaningless conversations.

     These interviews and these conversations with friends leave me feeling honored. For in them, I'm reminded of our shared humanity--that we struggle and we wonder and we fear. And while we may struggle and wonder and fear about different things, we're all doing it. What a beautiful community we're a part of!

      And in the same moment, I also see divinity in the passionate or vulnerable expressions I witness in these people's eyes. Each person, a thinking individual, different from anybody else I've ever met. It thrills me to be surrounded by hundreds of distinct minds.
 
     Forgive me for waxing sentimental. I've spent most of my waking hours solely interacting with my computer screen and a keyboard for the last several weeks. (Did I mention I finished writing my thesis?) Human beings are much more fascinating.

Cheers,

Amanda

Normal and an Anniversary!

Hey Readers,

Amanda's a little preoccupied at the moment (hint: it rhymes with telekinesis).  So I thought I'd talk to y'all directly today. I'm wondering what normal looks like.

Normal: n. pfft, like I'd know

It's the kind of thing I thought a lot about when l was much younger, trying to reverse-engineer normal based on observation (I did it poorly.) Now, it's just curiosity which began with a shoebox of Magic cards.

When I found my boyfriend's stash of Magic cards, I assumed that he would be mildly embarrassed that I had done so. Nope. Not at all. I later made a comment equating Magic to Dungeons and Dragons, and he was genuinely, if mildly, offended.

I still don't consider Magic "normal" but have since acknowledged
 it has definite moments of cleverness. And... it is kinda fun

In my world, Magic and D&D were similarly abnormal. To my boyfriend, Magic was normal and D&D was a completely different class of abnormal.

The ephemeral nature of normal is essentially the root of all internet evils. The Mommy Wars are all about the definition of maternal normalcy, and all political invocations of Godwin's Law start out with two incompatible but normal views.

It's odd. It's odd to find that your common sense isn't common. When you express moderate, to you, opinion and have your family strongly disagree. Or make an assumption of agreement with a friend only to find that you weren't even close.

Sleeping on the floor. Still more normal than sleeping on a mattress. ....weird.

I went to an elementary school where I felt like a slow-reader because I didn't know how to read before I got to Kindergarten. I recently learned that you shouldn't assume children are read to daily.

So what is normal? And we kind of assume a value judgement about normal, about what should be normal.

I spend a lot of my time planning and day-dreaming for a specific future. I know exactly which skills I want to pick up, and the order my current resources will allow me to attain them. This is the exact opposite approach to life that my father had/has. Which is more common? Or are we both odd?

Amanda and I are essentially the same person. Same parents, same religion, same vacations, same university, generally same talents and interests. But I'm truly surprised at the breadth and depth of things we can disagree on. Our memories of past events aren't even the same.

 So tell me, what's normal? When have you realized that you were the odd one all along? Magic the Gathering? Grand scale life plans? 

And while I'm talking to you, readers...

 It's been a year here at Sistionary! Thank you for reading and commenting. Really and truly, thank you. Good things gonna come, I hope you're excited because I definitely am.

(Good luck with your thesis Amanda!-- Read you on Tuesday)

-Stephanie

100% Self-Sufficiency is for Miserable People

Hey Amanda,

One of my pocket obsessions is mini-farming/homesteading, and if Pinterest and my own little section in Barnes and Noble is any indication, there are a lot of people like me.  I think I might be a little more zealous than most on the information side of things. I geek out pretty easily, and seeing as there are literally centuries worth of agricultural discussion and  extensive collections of  free government  resources  and publications (shut the door, interactive soil survey maps), I might have overthought a few things.

via hardworkinghippy

But, I often find myself annoyed at the tone of other aspiring homesteaders. One of the questions that pop up on forums all the time is "How many acres do I need per person to be 100% self-sufficient? I'd like to have a few chickens, maybe a dairy goat, and enough grain to make a loaf of bread every week."

To which the quick and often only response is "soil fertility and stocking rates vary so drastically even within a small area of land  to make this question impossible to answer."

I never say anything because with my 4x8 ft garden that has only ever grown a few radishes successfully, I don't  really feel qualified. But with a heck-load of theoretical knowledge, I always want to. Beyond not knowing about the soil, growing enough and the right kind of food to feed yourself through the winter, every winter, is the worst kind of personal goal. Seriously, civilization itself was created on the basis that single-handedly growing enough grain to feed yourself is supremely difficult. 100% self-sufficiency is certainly possible, it's just miserable. 

I'm all for making economic sacrifices for what makes you happy. Even if a homegrown tomato is almost always more expensive than the mealy Roma things they sell in the grocery store, they're still worth growing. However, the economics of wheat are a whole different ball game. I don't think wheat will ever be satisfying enough to grow by the half-acre just to say you did. Not only do you have to seed it, weed it, grow it like a homegrown tomato, but you have to scythe it, flay it, thresh it, clean it, grind it, and then cook it. Now, there is a machine designed to accomplish the majority of those tasks all at once, but it sells for a significant percentage of a million dollars.

via Richard A Howell

Meanwhile, the highest quality organic flour you could want is less than $2 a pound. Or to put it another way, spend less than $2 or tend 17 sq ft through the 4-8 month growing season and then spend an hour processing the harvest per pound of flour you want to consume.

Sure in the mid-range future, I want to raise my own Thanksgiving turkey and have the kind of epic kitchen garden that has the same square footage as my house, but I don't want to be totally self-sufficient. For one, that would mean giving up chocolate.  Secondly, subsistence farming also obeys the law of diminishing returns. Much better to shoot for growing 70% of your food and have time to enjoy it.

via Benoit Meunier

My two, inexperienced cents,
Stephanie

Forum lurking: gerund. free, entertaining education with zero chance of making a fool of yourself 

 

On Waiting and Dreaming

Hey Steph,
  If there were ever a day that I'd be in the mood to write a happy song, today would be the day. It has been one of those magic of ordinary days days. (English is such an odd language.) Yesterday, I was up early and busy until I went to sleep. Today, I woke up, went to work, twiddled my thumbs, went home, worked a bit on my thesis, and then went for a walk. It's funny how life's pace ebbs and flows. I walked up to a cemetery near where I live. I walked among the trees filled with chirps of newly born birds. I smelt the pink cherry blossoms that only share their lovely scent for a few days each year. I stood among a community of people who no longer walk the earth, and I contemplated how each headstone represented hundreds of human relationships and connections that no longer existed. It was humbling to recognize the smallness of my life surrounded by those grave sites but also fulfilling to recognize the magnitude of the interactions that I daily participate in. There's nothing like nature and contemplation to get me feeling passionate about life.

Don't worry. I didn't smell the white ones. Source

   While walking through the cemetery, I received an email via my phone from one of my best friends that lives a thousand miles away. It read, "Get ready for an audacious story that is terribly exciting and not at all finished." She continued to explain that she has decided to stop dreaming about the things she wants in life and has made her mind up to start doing them. I've heard this friend talk about her life plans for years, but this is the first time I've heard her share concrete plans of how she was going to do it.
    A while ago, I listened to a presentation by Kristen Oaks. She got married in her fifties. She gave some advice on living life to the fullest. She said that when she was younger, she put off doing things, waiting to do them when she was married. She told us to buy the nice dish set we've wanted to use to entertain guests, to go on the trips we dream of, to invest in the things we want to do. I loved that. I too often think, "When I grow up . . . " Guess what, Steph? I am grown up (or at least I file my own taxes and haven't lived at home for almost a decade).
    I graduate in a couple of months, and the door will be wide open to fulfill my passions. I'm not sure which passions I'll focus on, but I want to live them. Isn't it a lovely idea that each day we have the opportunity to try out our dreams?

self-actualization: to recognize dreams and potential so you can make things happen

Cheers,

Amanda

P.S. So when we going to New Zealand? Probably when we're both not broke. :)

Time is not Money

Hey Amanda,

I've been thinking a lot lately about time and money.

It's probably just because I'm unemployed, or  more accurately unpaid, but it  bothers me when people value their time at the rate they could be paid. For instance I had a conversation with a doctor about service projects, and he said that they were a waste of his time. Instead of sorting cans himself, he could instead pick up an extra shift at the hospital and donate his earnings to pay for a dozen people to sort cans.

I've thought a lot about that conversation. Obviously the numbers of his argument are sound. A high-wage earner has a bigger impact donating wages than labor. However, I have two beefs with this accountingof time. One, this assumes more hours working equals more income. For anyone who gets paid by salary or per product/project, this isn't true.

(Seanwes Hand Lettering)

And it also isn't true for anyone who can't pick up extra hours easily. I know very little about how doctors get paid, but I'm assuming you can't just pick up one additional hour. You'd have to commit to working 12 additional hours (if it's anything like nurses shifts) or however many hours consist a shift, which make adding one extra hour of work difficult to casually add.

Ultimately if we're using this type of cost-benefit calculation, the hour of your time from 9am to 10 on a Saturday is only worth what someone is willing to pay you at 9am on a Saturday. If you can't get employment for that hour doing something else, under this calculation, your time is free, and any money you save/earn in that hour is bonus.

Second beef, your time is not pro-rated. Some hours of your life will have a much higher price than others. Under the right circumstances, any of us would pay many times what we could be paid to be an hour early. There is also emotional and social value in unemployed hours. Having lunch with a friend is not interchangeable with getting a twenty dollar gift card just because you could earn twenty dollars in that hour you spent with your friend. There are 168 hours in week, but it will literally kill you if you were paid a million dollars to work all of them. I had a plant science professor once go on an tangent about "No job will ever be prestigious enough that it's better than having  a family that's happy you're home." Probably the most memorable thing I heard all semester.

In essence, money is only valuable inasmuch as it give you time to enjoy. If you were in prison but had a million dollars in the bank, I wouldn't consider you well-off. Time is not money. Money is time.

I'm sure you've seen those stupid Buzzfeed articles: "Ten Things I Wish I knew in my 20's" and the like. All of them talk a lot about finding a career you love. Do what you love, the money will follow--that kind of platitude-heavy advice.  I think for most of us, that's actually a really, really terrible idea.

Da Vinci armored seige tower...it's not the Mona Lisa
(Source)

Do whatever gives you the time and money to do what you love. Few people have a single driving passion, and fewer people can easily get paid for it.  If you look through the history of great innovators and artists, they were either aristocracy (an unlikely source of 21st century wealth)  or they had a day job. Leonardo daVinci designed seige engines for money, although it clearly wasn't what he was best at.  Leeuenhoek fathered microbiology, but he never got paid to do it. He sold drapes.

When innovators were employed by their passion, they didn't start that way. Wilbur Wright really really loved gliders. But he ran a bike shop before he could run a plane shop.

There is nothing wrong with settling for a career that's good enough. It's just what you get paid for, it's not your life.  I guess, it's the equating of those two that really gets me. You'll still be a valuable human being when you retire.

Don't take yourself so seriously. Eat a snowcone. Practice introducing yourself without mentioning your employment.; it's good exercise.

-Stephanie,

A Grassroots Approach to Ordain Women

Hey Steph,

Thanks for your post on the power of womanhood. It's good to keep talking about the role of woman in church and in society. As I've talked among my friends, I've found that everyone has an opinion on Ordain Women. As we talk among ourselves, I think it is important that we keep the dialogue open and seek understanding rather than polarize the arguments for and against this movement.
          I have my own thoughts on Ordain Women, but I feel like this post by my friend at Meridith Writes really says what I think better than I could. (Her blog is great if you haven't read it.)
          As I've considered ways that women could be better represented in the Church, I've found that many areas of improvement can be found right among the regular old members of the Church. And I've always been one that wants to take action rather than waiting for things to change higher up. So let's make things happen.

Source

1) Let's do away with "snack time" when a women speaks in conference.
I keep waiting for the conference that I do not hear a phrase like "Welp, time for a bathroom break" or "Time to take a nap" said when a women speaks in conference, even when said in jest. It hasn't happened yet. And half the time, it's another women making the joke. Look, if we actually believe the words of conference to be "latter-day scripture," then we need to respect these women and their time at the pulpit. I know, here's your counter-argument: "But she just speaks so sugary sweet. I can't handle listening."
          Let me get real with you. I get it. There are speakers, male and female, at conference that have mannerisms and speech patterns that annoy me. In the past, I've even had this problem with members of the Twelve Apostles. But I don't think that gives us license to just tune out. If you can't find a way to listen for the messages, forget the jokes and just sit quietly like the adult you are, rather than disrespect the words these women are saying. And then read what they said later--no audio is needed and their words are most often profound. Also, the sugary-sweet voice is going out of vogue, so this is less and less of a legitimate excuse.

2) Let's read both the priesthood session and the women's session.
Every six months, my girlfriends and I hang out during priesthood session when all the guys are away. It's awesome. Usually, later in the night, some guys will drop by. Topic of conversation: so what did they say? My friends are always so anxious to know. And while eight hours of church is enough for me in one weekend, some of my super righteous friends will even watch the priesthood session sometime that weekend (or nowadays, live).
          Do we have the same excitement about the General Relief Society  and Young Women meetings (or nowadays, the women's meeting)? If we are women, do we reread the talks after listening to them live? If we are men, do we even watch or read them once? I know I usually don't reread them, even when I somehow make it through the entire conference report. But I should.
          I was proud to gather with so many LDS women last Saturday in a meeting of females from eight years old and up. Whereas most of the meetings in the Church are done in a somewhat masculine fashion (this isn't a bad thing), this meeting was unabashedly female. We sang together in the middle of a talk. We spoke of bonds of sisterhood made through service and love. And in that female setting, President Eyring spoke and said, "We have been taught with spiritual power tonight. I pray that the words spoken by these great sister-leaders will go into your heart as they have in mine." Yup, a man got something out of the meeting, too.

3) Let's speak up.
Linguistic study after linguistic study* has found that men speak more than women in mixed gender groups. To most people, this comes as a surprise because women are stereotypically the talkers. I have some theories on why we have that stereotype, but that's for another post. The point here is that we women need to speak up. Speak up in Sunday School. Speak up in church councils. Speak up at church activities. Ignore the buzzing thought that your comment isn't the most brilliant thing ever and say it anyway. We need to hear women's voices.

Source

4) Let's tell women's stories. 
Every year around Easter, I read about the life of Christ. And every year, without fail, I'm surprised about all the women scattered through His story. They are everywhere. They are washing His feet and serving Him. They are listening to His words and studying with Him. They are confidently accepting His good word even as He turns them away. The New Testament is the only book of scripture that feels like the real world to me--a world that has about 50 percent men and 50 percent women. Let's take a cue from these Gospel writers and share stories of women. When giving a lesson or talk, why not find a woman's story to showcase your thoughts or use a quote from one of those sister-leaders mentioned above.

          This isn't the most earth-shattering list of changes, but I think they are important changes nonetheless. They are small things that can show a bit more respect and recognition toward women in a church that already preaches for empowered women. Like I say ad nauseam, I'm a feminist because I'm Mormon.

Cheers,

Amanda

*In their review of 60 years of research, James and Drakich (1993) found that out of 58 studies, only three showed women to speak more than men, with the remaining 55 studies showing men to speak more or to have no difference between genders in amount spoken (24 studies, or 42.9% of the studies, showed men to speak more).