Ordain Women, "Helpful Discussions," and Being a Mormon Amazon Princess

Hey Amanda,

I'm sure you've been following the annual build-up to Ordain Women's protests at LDS General Conference and this year's preemptive response by the LDS Church.  I've been thinking a lot lately about one of the key phrases from that press release:

"Declaring such an objective [female ordination] to be non-negotiable, as you have done, actually detracts from the helpful discussions that Church leaders have held as they seek to
listen to the thoughts, concerns, and hopes of women inside and outside of Church
leadership."

Now historically the inequality of ordination has been a big deal for me. I'll get to that in a second. But I really just wanted to highlight this "helpful discussions" bit because people, this is huge. Like crepuscular ray kind of awesome.

"Helpful discussions" as in the LDS Church has officially labelled conversations about how the church could change to meet the needs of female members helpful. Not "you can have babies. That's cool, what else do you need?" No, they labelled the discussion helpful.  Feminist Mormons, this is a cause to celebrate.Also, did you notice that the PR person was a woman. Two thumbs.

I know some of the more cynical out there are like "great, big whoop." But have you noticed how the temple ceremony has changed in the last year (um, whoa). Or how in the last two years, for the first time in my life, I've seen women give the final sermon in sacrament meetings, not just in my own congregation but all over the place. A woman was chosen to pray on behalf of all 14 million of us.

Last week I sat in a regional conference where a general authority used the phrase: "...approach the problem like a missionary. She faithfully prays with her companion and...etc." I almost shouted Hurrah for Israel. Not only did he not default to a male missionary. He used a woman as an example for everyone in the audience--male, female, child, adult-- to pattern their life around. Yay for inclusive language.

Yeehaw
 ( Clark Kelly Price)

Now, I'm not going to lie, my spine still gets all squirmy with the concept that "men should preside." It feels limiting and vaguely threatening. However I've made a sort of peace with it, realizing that the Church is structured to purposefully build interdependence. Our congregations collect and distribute money, so that as a group we are self-sufficient even if our individual families are not. We have a network in place to provide individual emotional and casserole support in times of trouble. The Priesthood is distributed within the membership in such a way that, in the vast majority of cases, your family needs another family to perform blessings and ordinances. I don't know about you, but I wouldn't call my Home Teachers at 11pm if my husband and I could Annoint and Bless between the two of us. I dunno. I'm not saying that the male Priesthood boils down some kind of divine teaching exercise, but it makes sense to me that that's one of the benefits. The interdependence of the Saints is what makes us strong, that we aren't one family alone in the wilderness. We aren't just coincidentally camped next to each other. We aren't designed to be spiritually self-sufficient, but mutually beneficial.

There is an inequality in the Administration of the LDS Church. That's something all Saints have to come to terms with, but at the end of the day that's where the disparity in genders (should) stop. There is not a gender discrepancy in the power to heal or minister or bless or any other spiritual gift laid out in scripture. This is a sticking point that we really need to move on from. A woman does not need the priesthood for the hypothetical circumstance of being isolated and alone with an injured child. Ordination isn't necessary to call down the powers of heaven--righteousness is all that's needed. This is not Stephanie's fringe-y doctrine.   While Jesus commands the sea to be calm in what we recognize as a priesthood blessing, it's a prayer that raises Lazarus from the dead. Like Elder Harris said thirty years ago:

"The rights of the priesthood are inseparably connected with the powers of heaven.” Now, brothers and sisters, what were the powers of Heaven? They caused the lame to walk, the blind to see, the dead to rise. And through these same powers the earth was organized. 

But here is the key—the powers of heaven cannot be controlled nor handled only upon the principles of righteousness. The key, then, to the future and to the use of these spiritual blessings is personal righteousness. As President Romney* once said, 'May we recognize that prayer is the instrument of miracles.”

What kind of God would ignore a prayer but listen to a priesthood blessing under the same circumstances? Just because we've become accustomed to living below our privileges doesn't mean that we're meant to live that way. Rise up ye women of God, be done with lesser things.

Huldah  being a prophet and wearing a tiara
 (Andrea Mantegna, 1495, Louvre)

And on that note, I am stoked for Saturday!

Towards greater love and unity,
Stephanie


*Elder Harris is referring here to Marion G. Romney, who was a member of the First Presidency of the LDS Church. He's Mitt Romney's cousin twice-removed--just in case you're wondering if they're related.

The Story of Martha Arnold; Or, How to Be a Kick-A Ancestor

Hey Steph,

So, I finally did it. I recorded one of my songs--a goal that has been on my yearly birthday goal list for a couple of years now. I recorded "Martha's Song," the song I wrote about our kick-A ancestor Martha Arnold Hale. (I know we have already discussed our desire to find another word besides kick-A to describe truly awesome people. I'm still noodling on a good replacement. Come on, Steph--we're logophiles; we should be able to do this!)

I wrote a song about Martha because she has one of the most inspiring stories of faith and fortitude that I've heard. And I may have been struggling on both of those counts when I wrote the song. Let me remind you of her story. Please bear with me as I set up the background. Her story is worth reading through.

So Martha and her husband, Martin Van Buren Hale, lived in Utah in 1882 and were members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. At the time, Mormons were settling all over Utah, up into Idaho, and down into Arizona. Oftentimes, leaders would ask members to move to different areas to establish communities. Such a request came to the congregation that Martha and Martin attended. No one responded to the call to uproot themselves and travel hundreds of miles to unsettled Arizona. After some discussion, Martin and Martha decided that in seeking to be obedient to the Lord's command, they would go.

The family of eleven (yeah, lots of children) gathered their belongings and headed for Arizona in the fall of 1882. After journeying a good portion of their way, the family stopped to recuperate near Flagstaff before continuing onward. During their short stay there, three of the older children (Minnie, Emma, and Marion) attended a dance. Emma danced with a boy that was just getting over small pox. Emma soon got sick, and the sickness spread throughout the family.

Living in a makeshift, temporary home, Martha cared for her children and husband in a quarantined area away from others in the community. But nothing helped.

I often think about Martha. We don't know much about her story, but the death dates of her children and husband say a lot.

Marion, age 21, died March 1883
Minnie, age 20, died March 1883
Emma, age 18, died March 1883
Martha, age 12, died March 1883
Bertha, age 3, died March 1883
Her husband, Martin, age 42, died March 1883
Orson, age 14, died April 1883


 I cannot imagine the fear and sorrow that would drape your life as you cared for your family as one after another after another of them died. How many would survive? When would this disease leave? I imagine Martha, sitting alone after putting her surviving children to bed, on the night after Martin died. I see her tired, sweaty hands covering her tired, hopeless face. She's stopped asking God to spare her family. She's stopped praying for miracles. She's stopped hoping for things to get better. All she sees around her are a few remaining children that have become potential grave sites in her mind. She can't deal with why this is happening. That question attacks the only comfort she has. It attacks her faith.

source

And then, I imagine Martha somehow praying anyway, not for relief but for belief.

You can listen to her prayer (or the words I imagine her prayer to be) here.

Steph, you know the rest of Martha's story. You know how she testified of the goodness of Heavenly Father until her dying day and alone raised the two children that made it to adulthood of the eleven she bore. On those days or in those months when life seems more than you can handle, remember, her blood flows through your veins. Her faith is part of our heritage. And maybe, part of her strength is in us too.

fortitude: continuing on when you have no reason to

Cheers,

Amanda

PETA is Essentially Satan

Hey Amanda,

I find PETA to be one of the most disgusting organizations on the planet. It's like they've got Lucifer in the board room, and I'm only halfway joking. PETA hosts their own porn site (and I don't just mean their naked ads), make light of rape victims, and coopt the Holocaust all in the name of respecting animals. And....their "shelters" kill the vast majority of the animals that enter their doors.

I'm all for treating animals well. That's a noble cause. But I would never respect the body of a turkey more than the body of woman. Not ever. Even if the woman is an adult willing to exchange money for respect. I mean in the case of Thanksgiving a turkey dies in the name of nutrition and family togetherness, in the case of pornography, it perpetuates rape culture by making rapists feel that their twisted perception of what women want is legitimate.

Yep, look at those murderers.

Honestly, it's Diabolic to use a lesser virtue to justify transgressing a greater one (or several greater virtues). Oh, and then don't actually care about that lesser virtue...because you're the devil.

90% of animals were euthanized within the first 24 hours of custody

That's what happens in PETA's Norfolk shelter.   According to PETA's website: " Even if government-sponsored and private animal shelters had the resources to house the millions of homeless animals born in the U.S. each year (and they don’t), 'no-kill' shelters do not provide a solution to the problem of companion animal homelessness....[lethal injection] is often the most compassionate and dignified way for unwanted animals to leave a world that has no place for them" (underline added).

Um, says the company that earned more than 35 million dollars last year.  Let me help you out with some basic budgeting: you can buy more kibble if you spend less money on porn.

hypocrisy: see PETA 

In another circumstance it would be funny. Like finding out Stephanie Meyer ran the Team Jacob fan site, or that Blackbeard thought Ninjas were cooler than pirates. But PETA's hypocrisy is just utterly depressing.

Porn was made with the money which was meant to save the puppy which was still slaughtered. And then it's carcass was driven to the landfill in a truck with a graphic that literally equates a tortured Jewish man with a goat.

I'm sorry for the downer. But seriously, who are these misogynists who are are giving PETA 35 million dollars every year. They should stop.

Okay enough frowny crap. Let me restore your hope in humanity:

Have a good night
Stephanie

Recipe for Creating Days that End with a Smile

Hey Steph,

Thanks for sharing your thoughts on Ireland. This year's St. Patrick's Day was a bit more sweet for it.

Last night, as I lay in my bed to fall asleep I couldn't stop smiling. It was pretty peculiar. I didn't really have a reason to be particularly happy, but there I was filled with the same happiness I find in mountain hikes and peaches and bagpipes and a good book. I don't know how else to describe it than that I just felt alive. I felt like I was right where I should be. I felt whole.

I realized it was just a bunch of little things that made me happy. It was thinking about being with my nephew (your son) and getting lots of little man hugs from him. It was hearing him pronounce "tractor" like adoo--and then considering all the linguistic processes he was going through to make that word. Steph, your kid (ok, most every kid, in this case) is a genius! I won't go into all the reasons why his pronunciation of adoo makes a heck-ton of linguistic sense, just know that it does and that our brains are awesome! Also, his word for "helicopter" (air adoo) fills me with word formation excitement--go creativity!

Or maybe it was talking and laughing with friends and unintentionally catapulting bread across the gym at a church gathering and suppressing the giggles like the five-year-olds we are that put a smile on my face at the end of the day.

Or was it the early springtime morning walk I took, stretching my legs, filling my lungs with the chill, invigorating air?

I don't know what it was, but I tried to repeat it again today, to some success. I thought I'd share my thoughts on creating a day that ends with a smile:

Source

Option A: Go for a long car ride.
It's best if you go by yourself, but then again car-ride conversations are some of the best forms of dialogue in life. If you're by yourself, take this time to release yourself from all social constraints. Have a chat with yourself or with God. (If it's too much to do this out loud, you can still do it in your head.) Let yourself ramble. Let your mind wander and process and breath. If you like music, go ahead and sing out loud. Sing loud and let the vibrations circulate through your body. 

Option B: Go for a walk
This is a quieter option. It doesn't really matter where, just go and walk, preferably outside, and have no other purpose. Use your eyes. Notice the cracks in the sidewalk, the patterns of snow pack on the mountainside, and the framed-light created through leafy treetops. If you want, listen to some music as you stroll. James Taylor works best. 

Option C: Listen
Sit down with a friend and let them talk. Pretend you're a journalist and figure out what makes them excited about life. You don't need to be overt about this, but just listen, really listen. Giving people the freedom and space to talk makes for some great conversation. And sometimes you don't need to talk and that's fine. There's listening in the quiet too. 

joie de vivre: joy of life that just may be found in the little stuff

Cheers,

The Collector of Small Things

What simple things make you content with life?

Musings from Ireland

Hey Amanda,

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

It's been a few weeks since we visited Ireland together, but there's a few things that keep running through my head.

there really were sheep everywhere

Ireland felt ancient. Not in the feral way that the redwood forest feels ancient, but a kindly ancient like what I imagine the island form of Grandmother Willow would be. No joke, I stood in the shade of an Elm tree that had witnessed the childhood of my great-grandmother's grandfather. The wet January wind just cemented in my mind that that dirt had been sheltering people against the elements for millenia. And I felt a gratitude for that shelter that I haven't felt other places. That I owed a piece of myself to those rolling hills, unbelievably green despite the cold and lack of sunshine. That the trees and grass had grown up in furrows shaped by man and in turn had shaped them....okay, a little dramatic with my descriptions--however, they're accurate. To put it lightly, the whole landscape was in fact magically delicious. Although like most Americans I'm an amalgamation of nations, I felt a kindred-ness. Maybe we all just wish were Irish. Who knows.

Dolmen in The Burren

Ireland also sold me socialism in a way that even my Texas heart found a place for. I mean look at this poster:

Captions talk about how laborers would share food with each other to survive 

You'd never see that in the US, our McCarthy shaped culture just wouldn't allow it. But good heavens, what a beautiful sentiment. And then while eating the best meat pie of my entire life, I heard a trio of musicians wail  into "A Pound A-Week Rise" in a corner pub, which is a song about the sad collusion of the government with mine owners to crush  labor dispute in, wait for it--1967.  (Side note: the violinist in that band may or may not have been some kind mythical creature. Way. Good.) So yeah, Ireland as a whole is perhaps the antithesis of an Ayn Rand novel.

...Also just in case you fell asleep in history class, the English really sucked at being nice to people that weren't English. I won't get into that, but heck yeah solidarity!

I know you talked a little about the Trinity Library already Amanda, but I just need to reiterate that if you love to read or otherwise acknowledge the momentous value of the written word, it will move you. I don't know if there's such a thing as a secular religious experience but if there is, I think I had one looking at the rows upon rows of antique book spines.

Us and our goofy grins outside of the library

I was impressed with the value of a truly mundane life at the Trinity Library. In its basement is the Book of Kells, an illuminated manuscript from around 800 AD  (and incidentally the subject of a great animated film). In the display they talked about these monks who had settled in Ireland like one-way astronauts hundreds of miles away from anything or anyone they had ever known, and then spent the entirety of their lives preparing vellum, stitching folios, and copying text,  stopping to ink their reed pens between words, for hours upon days upon years of their life. One, that's amazing persistence. Two, how utterly boring. And yet, these scribes are essentially the only people on the planet who weren't born into a monarchy whose names we know from the 9th century. Not only did they copy the word of God, but in their illuminations they also captured their culture in one of the few surviving artifacts of their era. Plus, it looks pretty.

Seriously, the colors are just as vivid in person--amazingly well preserved

Of course John the Revelator would be a ginger

Really, I just want to go back. Ireland was gorgeous in every aspect. The landscape, the people, the bacon (mmm, yes, the bacon).  Next time I'll just go when it's a wee bit warmer.

Kells Priory

Kells Priory, notice my knees--I'm a very graceful hiker

Kissing the Blarney Stone--see that patch of green behind my shoulder. Yeah that's the lawn something like 50 feet below my head. 

Blarney Castle-- yep, yellow slickers are adorable

Cliffs of Moher-- ...it was cold, y'all. You'd wear your hood too. 

Luck: n. it really is having the wind at your back

-Stephanie

Dating: You're Doing It Wrong

Hey Steph,
  So, I've had a lot of conversations about dating recently, and the more I chat about it, the more I think that my community has been doing it wrong. I think we misunderstand the point of it all. Having been actively part of the dating world for about 10 years now, I'd like to share a few of the biggest dating myths that I see followed again and again.

Source

1. When you start dating the person you end up marrying, you should have the best conversation of your life--the kind where you talk into the wee hours of the morning. 
This might be true if you have nerves of steel, and you act no differently around your crush than you do your friends. But that's never been true for me. I can talk to pretty much any boy, but if I am considering him romantically, I turn into a pink-faced stutterer. The conversations I have early on with people I'm romantically interested in are usually some of the worst conversations I've ever had. I stumble awkwardly over my words--saving each misstep to over-analyze later. It'd be nice if every conversation was easy, but I've found that it usually isn't. It takes time to build friendships.

2. The point of dating is to find someone to get married to.
Ok, so the above statement can be true, but I think the sheer terror unlocked in the use of the word married is not a helpful way to view dating. I think a more helpful view of dating at its outset is that it is way to get to know someone. Take home message: chill out.

Source

3. You'll find someone when you stop looking.
This is a lie people tell themselves to move on from a bad break-up. Dating takes effort. It isn't always fun at the beginning. I don't think for the majority of us  this "someday my prince will come" mentality will do us any good. Marriage is not something that happens to you. You are an integral part of making it happen.

This GIF is kind of obnoxious--scroll up to be less annoyed. Source

4. You'll know if you like someone by the spark you feel. 
My standard setting is a state of contented singlehood. I enjoy my life, and if it were not for the occasional bouts of loneliness, I could coast along not feeling like I was missing much. With all this contentedness, I no longer see potential boyfriends everywhere I look, like I used to when I was younger. I just see a bunch of men. It is a conscious decision I make to turn on my romantic eyes and see men as attractive. Now, I know this isn't all that normal to have this on/off switch concerning romance, but I think it has given me a lot of knowledge about this "spark." When my romance switch is off, I don't have crushes on anyone, but when I switch it on, all of the sudden I have intrigue towards men that were just ordinary boys the day before. I didn't feel the spark until I chose to feel the spark.
Don't get me wrong. I do think there are people that you will just never be attracted to, but I think the spark can be more like a flame, slowly building up rather than all at once. So give potential dating opportunities a real chance. I have a two-date policy with pretty much any guy, unless I'm scared for safety. I've found that nearly every guy gets more attractive on the second date.

5. It's best to focus your efforts on one crush. 
When I was a young college student, one of my guy friends explained this metaphor for how men and women view dating. He said we both view our dating options like a tree. Generally, women will like one guy quite a bit and maybe be somewhat interested in other guys (their tree of interest is a big trunk with little twigs). And generally, men will like several different girls at the same time until things progress into exclusive dating (their tree is made up of a bunch of decent-sized branches). At first, I hated his explanation because I just wanted my "trunk" to like me and not be interested in other girls. But I was wrong. See, it's hard to muster up enough hope in dating to put yourself out there again and again. The thought that this isn't going to work again is strong and can shrivel any motivation you have to try. So, if you put all your hope into one possible relationship, it's really rough when it doesn't work out. But if you spread around the hope (in smaller increments) among many different dating options, recovery is much easier. It becomes a numbers game. If the "trunk" doesn't work out and is cut down, you have to start from ground zero emotionally. But if one of many "branches" is cut off, you have several others to look to. So, talk to as many people as you can at social functions. Get started with online dating (it's a bit awkward, but it provides you with plenty of "branches"). Options mean less stress, and less stress makes continual dating a reality.

6. When it's right, dating won't be difficult.
Though akin to a few of the myths listed above, I see this one in action more than I hear this one. Most of my friends have been dating for a fairly long time. We all have our dating baggage, whether it be break-ups, unrequited love, or never having been in a relationship. Dating has worn us down and made us a little less excited about trying again, one failed potential relationship at a time. For me, some of my strongest demons live in the dating part of my life. Anytime I opened the door to dating, they would arise with anxiety and self-doubt in their arms. So I created a whole bunch of ways to run away from dating opportunities. It wasn't until I realized that these demons weren't going to go away, that I kept that dating door opened, squared my shoulders, and thrust myself directly down into my "valley of the shadow of death." (I know that sounds really over-the-top, but these dating fears were and are very strong for me.) I entered a relationship, albeit painfully and emotionally. That particular relationship didn't work out, but I feel like I'm one valley closer to conquering my demons. What makes me want to confront them? One, I hate letting fear confine me. I want to be capable of anything, so I work to let go of all my fears. Two, for me, marriage isn't just a nice idea. It is a commandment of God. I've learned that Heavenly Father has only commanded me to do things that make me happy, so I want to obey this commandment and put effort towards it even though it is difficult.

It may seem like I know what I'm talking about, but generally I'm about as clueless as anyone. These are just a few of the thought processes I've learned to help make dating easier--but I still feel like an awkward middle-schooler most of the time. I guess I should just embrace it, right?

Cheers,

Amanda

Top 5 Songs with the Best Lyrics

Hey Steph,
  Whenever I write songs, I usually like the song the first time I play it, but then I hate it after that. Usually, the music starts feeling trite, the novelty in its origin quickly melts away and the lyrics just sound stupid. That said, there is usually a line here or there that I really love, and that is usually what keeps me singing the songs. In fact, there is one whole song that I pretty much like every line. I think it is because I didn't write it about me. I wrote it about our ancestor that had a ton of moxie. A friend is helping me record it. I'll post it when it is done (*nerves*).

When I listen to songs with awesome lyrics, I am in complete awe. I want to know how much time they slaved over each word or if the muses just slid those lyrics into their brain and out their mouths. I think it's got to be a mixture of both. Since I haven't figured out exactly how they mastered such beautiful verse, I'll just share my top 5 songs with the best lyrics (I'm positive I'll write another post on this because I have plenty more in my brain.):

5) Magdalena by Brandon Flowers

Why I Like It: I've tried and failed to write upbeat songs. If I'm feeling something that I want to write about, it's usually a ponderous sort of feeling. And when I am giddy about life, the lyrics that come usually sound like a fourth-grader wrote them ("Sunshine is making me smile"). What I love about this song is that Flowers is able to write about God and redemption and still have a fast-paced song. This is one of those masterfully written stories in song form.
Favorite Line: "As a two-time beggar, I will go."

4) Out of the Woods by Nickel Creek

Why I Like It: If you've ever had a crush, this song is pretty much what that feels like (though it is much mellower than I usually am). The words, though! It catches that frustration and excitement so perfectly of wanting something to happen but being uncertain about where you stand with the other person. And then just wanting it to be over so you could not feel uncertain. Plus, the song uses a noun as a verb so I've got to love that.
Favorite Line: "I rollercoaster for you. Time out of mind must be heavenly."

3) Below My Feet by Mumford and Sons

Why I Like It: To me, this song is about true, I'm-so-broken-I-have-nowhere-else-to-turn humility. It describes the painful and faithful prayer for survival and the giving up of your will to God, though Mumford and Sons would probably be upset I see it that religiously. :)
Favorite Line: "Keep my eyes to learn, my hands to serve."

2) Bird's Eye by The National Parks
(There's not a decent video, but you can hear a good recording here.)
Why I Like It: This song describes something that doesn't make sense but happens nonetheless. When you're grieving over the death of a loved one or the end of a relationship or the loss of an opportunity, sometimes you don't want to move on. You don't want to feel happy. That overwhelming sorrow somehow feels safer than moving out of it; living in a dream is easier to handle than living in reality. Eventually, you do get out and realize that that place wasn't good to dwell in, but it was necessary.
Favorite Line: "Oh, night, don't end."

1) What Sarah Said by Death Cab for Cutie

Why I Like It: If you've never been in a hospital with a dying family member, listen to this song--that is exactly what it feels like. I am so jealous of this song every time I hear it. They don't just describe what a hospital physically looks like, they describe how it feels, how you feel like the superficial portion of your life just doesn't exist anymore and all your focus is on the death of a single relationship. I like pretty much every line is this song, including what it is that Sarah said, but if I had to pick one . . .
Favorite Line: "And I rationed my breaths as I said to myself that I'd already taken too much today."


Cheers,

Amanda Kae

15 Kitchen Hacks, 2

Hey Amanda,

Here you go, the remaining 14 kitchen tips leftover by Part 1.

Random Tricks

2. Don't bother with any of those Don't-Cry While Cutting Onions tricks--they don't work

I guess this is kind of an anti-hack, but it will save you time. And it will prevent you from looking stupid. If you cry like a teenager at the end of The Fault in Our Stars everytime you cut onion--Don't bother with the candle, turning on a burner, chewing gum, or holding a toothpick in your teeth like a complete moron.

The only thing that actually works is contact lenses. 

But if you're quick with a knife it sucks so much less to mince up an onion, so work fast. Here's the tutorial I watched to gain my mad knife skills (haha, I don't have mad knife skills, but legitimately I am much, much better than I used to be). 

3.Cooking in cast iron increases the the amount of nutritional iron in your diet

...crazy. But true 

4. Cook with acidity

Add a squirt of lemon juice or vinegar to your dishes.. It will make your cooking taste a whole 'nother level of complex and delicious

....also  cook with MSG. It's the original umami bomb. It's not going to kill you, and it's not illegal.  (You can find it in the Hispanic section of your local grocery store in a little red box. Look for the brand Sazon Goya---it comes in a saffron flavor. Ritzy.) Yep, not winning any Crunchy Mama recipe contests any time soon. 

Knives

5. If you're a normal home cook, you only need 3 knives

A long, serrated bread knife

A chef's knife

A paring knife

That is unless you want to get into artisanal pork butchering or something  

6. Strop Your knives like an Old School Barber

Strop your knives  on a cheap leather belt every time you use them, and they will be wicked sharp every, single time. 

7. Sharpen once a year

You can get oilstones online, or you can take your knives to your local sewing shop to be sharpened by the knife/scissor guy that comes twice a month. In any case, a sinisterly sharp knife is a safe knife. 

Perfect Deviled Eggs

8. Set eggs out overnight for perfect peeling

Eggs age nearly hundred times faster at room temperature than in fridge temperature. And "old" eggs have a looser membrane attached to the shell. This means the shell comes off without creating nasty craters in your egg whites.

Just put your eggs on the counter overnight before you cook them. Don't worry, from a food safety perspective, this is completely fine, just make sure there's no cracks in your shells. 

9. No nasty green-grey yolks: Boil. Turn off heat. Set timer. 

Put eggs in pot and cover with cold water, bring pot to a rolling boil. Turn off heat. Put on lid. Set timer for 12 minutes (electric stove) or 17 minutes (gas stove). Drain water and fill again with cold water. Bam. Perfectly set, buttercup yellow yolks, every time. 

10. Add adobo sauce to your yolk mixture

That lovely goodness they seal in with canned chipotle peppers is the secret to the tastiest devilled eggs you've ever eaten. Also, softened butter instead of mayonaise...

Brownies!!!

11. You're Oven is lying to You

No joke, I set my oven to 425 to get it to read 350 on my oven thermometer. Ifyour oven is more than 7 years old your oven is likely just as bad as mine---buy an oven thermometer!

12.Never put vegetable oil in your brownies again. 

Cut fat in recipe/box directions by 1/3 and replace with melted butter.....so dreamy. 

13. Oh and Don't use Pam

Grease pans with a butter wrapper. Save them in a ziploc baggie in the fridge. It's free! Basically every time I do this I feel like my depression era foremothers are smiling at me from Beyond. 

14. Use Medium Eggs for fudgey brownies

When recipe calls for two eggs, they really meant to write one medium egg and an egg yolk. Mmm delicious. Because who likes cakey brownies anyway? (don't answer that, I don't want to put you on my list of possible cyborgs)

15. Actually just buy medium eggs every time

You will always, always, always (almost) pay less per ounce of egg by buying a dozen medium eggs versus large ones. Then you'll always be ready to make brownies.

Plus, lets have some mercy on the poor hens. ;)

-Steph