I'm not really qualified to say how to be a great parent. But through college courses, a million books, and a lot of shopping trips to Wal-Mart, I think I've nailed down how to be bad one. Since pretty much everyone ends up watching children at some point in their lives, I figured I'd pass on my top 5 things to avoid.
EDIT: Don't take the snark too seriously. Everyone breaks these rules. It's just something to shoot for.
1. Make threats you have no intention of keeping.
"If you kick my seat again, I will turn this car around." Really? Because to a kid this sounds like a get out of jail free card. Just one kick away from not having to sit through two hours of shopping.
Seriously though. If you say things you don't mean, you're teaching your kids to ignore you. Which leads me to number 2.
2. Make rules you don't mean to enforce.
Just throw them into the air willy-nilly. Don't think about it before you say it. And don't worry about changing your mind. Inconsistency just gives you a confused-kid bonus.
2. Teach children that anger is bad.
Don't give them a name for their feelings like jealousy, frustration, or disappointment. Don't tell them how to manage those emotions like drawing a picture, pounding some playdough, or talking about it with an adult. Just tell them that it's bad to be angry and to be happy. Try to throw in a quick explanation about why their anger is silly or their feelings are otherwise unimportant to you.
3. Assume your children have the same vocabulary and ability as you.
For instance, use a lot of abstract concepts to explain rules to 3 and 4 year olds. Talk about fairness and justice. Expect them to remember rules without reminders over the course of hours, or days. Also be frustrated when they won't sit still for long periods of time.
4. Compare kids to each other
"Why can't you sit quietly like Charlotte?" To translate this into child: "Why aren't you Charlotte?"
(A better tactic is to remind children, every time, of what behavior you want them to do in clear, concise, concrete language, such as "use your walking feet when we go outside." )
5. Care a lot about other people's opinion.
Have a different set of rules and punishments in public versus at home. It will totally disorient your children. And while your out, make sure your discipline is proportional to how embarrassed you feel rather than what your kid actually did.
That's a good start.
This post was inspired by a an idiophany I had today. Did you know that Dick van Dyke (aka Bert) also plays the old banker at the end of Mary Poppins? I know, crazy.
Idiophany: n. an idiot epiphany, e.g. realizing that "car" came from "carriage" or epitome is pronounced "apidomy"
I love Mary Poppins. (and I'm super jazzed for the new Emma Thompson movie!) Now, I don't really feel qualified to say what makes a great parent, but I'm sure it looks a lot like Mary Poppins.
Have a great weekend,
Steph
Yeah these are all things I'm terrible at. x[ Okay maybe not 4 or 5. So 2/5 is better than 0/5 I guess, haha.
ReplyDeleteAnywho. I have a tip for how to be a good parent: Just care. A lot. If you care you will constantly strive to improve. And if you earnestly try to get better, you will. Which is all any of us can really hope for. To be less imperfect someday, haha.
Something you will understand better as Leo gets into his 2's and 3's, and even MORE SO when you've got more than one child: being a parent is hard. Harder than you thought. And no matter what rules you give yourself, or how many times you promise yourself that won't ever be one of "them," you will. Don't judge others too harshly. We all just have to do the best we can, and try to do better tomorrow.
ReplyDelete(and p.s. there are two #2's)
I would actually disagree with #3. Or rather, while I realize that my children don't have the same vocabulary and abilities that I do, I do use words and concepts that I know are beyond their understanding, and I use them repeatedly in context so that the children learn them. That's why my 2 and 4 year old know what it means to "be respectful" or to "have privacy."
ReplyDelete@Anna: I don't think it's possible to avoid these all the time. Circumstances and life get in the way. Honestly, this list was just a humorous way to educate people that had no idea. Like Adam didn't spend a lot of time around kids or babies and wasn't really sure what was appropriate when, etc. And, half of these I had no idea about until I took an early childhood development class. I thought I'd just pass on the good stuff.
ReplyDelete@krebscout: Definitely. I think that kids are a lot more sophisticated than we often give them credit for and can handle complexity and adult-level language. However, abstraction is actually a cognitive development that small children really have no ability to process. For instance before 4ish, kids can't lie on purpose. They just don't grasp that their thoughts are different than others'. "Privacy" and "respect" are both graspable terms because they accompany concrete rules--knock on closed doors, say sir, etc.
It's why we can teach small children counting but not multiplication. No matter how much time we spend on it, there's a cognitive limit to what a child can understand. But that doesn't mean that their thoughts and abilities are simple or silly. It's awesome that you treat your kids with the same respect you would show an adult. That's something I definitely need to work on.